Dear Brittany and Mariel,

For every time I have sat down to contact you, and been unable to find the words and given up, I have gone to bed that same night and dreamt of Cailean. I have had dreams where I laugh with him, dreams where I feel all of us right back where we left off. Then there have been dreams where I cry. One, so sad I could feel the dampness of my pillow when I woke. However, in that dream, Cailean was not the one who was sad. He was the one calming all of us. He was the one who was telling everyone around him not to be upset, just simply that he had to go now, that it was time. Over and over again, his voice so reassuring, and yet, I still cried so hard.

Girls, I am so sorry for your loss, and for the loss of so many people in the world who will never get to experience how remarkable Cailean was. And it is unbearable to me, that I was not able to hug each of you and tell you just how sorry I am. That I could not offer condolences in person or relive the wonderful memories I have of Cailean and all of you. I still cannot find the words to say to any of you. To start from the beginning, there is so much…

I always expect to bump into one of you somewhere. When I pass your parent?s house, or drive to the post office or even at the train stations. And every time I am in Boston, I wonder if you are still there and what the chances are of seeing you. Slim to none, I know – which is why I feel so lucky to have gotten a chance to see K all grown up. We bumped into each other early one morning, early-like 4 or 5 AM- in West Point buying tickets for Dave Matthews. It was the winter of 2003. He called my name and it was so odd that I recognized him right away, he looked exactly how I would have imagined. All I could say to him, was ?Oh my god, I cannot believe how tall you are!? He had grown up so much, and I am so glad I got to see how cute and handsome he turned out. Just like we imagined when he was a kid. I only wish I had more time that day to talk, to say so much more to him. I know how rare these meetings are, they almost never happen. Which could explain why I have not seen either of you in forever.

To go through the web site, has brought back so many memories. Those photos made me think of all the nights Cailean stayed home with us and would follow us around until all hours of the night telling us the “best” and “funniest” stories and jokes he could think of. And then he would curl up with Brittany on the pull out couch in the TV room and fall asleep. Even as a kid, he knew how to make people feel good, and smile. And I would feel so special every time he wanted to show me his newest artwork from school or the new favorite toy he would run to get in his bedroom. Even when everyone got older, and we started thinking that at 16, 17, 18, we were adults – he was still there playing with the big kids. And there was hardly a time, when I would pull into the Garrison driveway, where he would not be out there, playing with Susie, or dragging some long stick around knocking the bushes and looking to see what might be hiding in the grass or the leaves and brush. I can still hear your dad calling from the front steps, into the yard… ?BUDDAAAYYY? ?KAAAY KAAAY?. And then, out of no where, he would just pop up. With that smile glued onto his face. When he was a kid, we would always wonder, ?Where did he go?? He had a knack for disappearing and then coming back with that mischievous look. And I can still see him smiling. And I am sure you know he is there, all around you in everything you do. Only now sometimes he may be the one trying to get your attention. And you?ll know. Little things will happen and you?ll acknowledge them as Cailean just checking in and saying hello. I honestly believe that.

He was truly one of the most interesting, brilliant and beautiful kids I have ever met. I wish I had the chance to get to know him as a young man. I am glad I now have the maturity to remember him as an amazing kid. There is no doubt in my mind that he grew up to be as caring and sweet and funny as both of you, having taken so much guidance from you as big sisters. From the web site, I can tell he did right by so many people and touched so many lives while he was here on this earth.

I hope to hear from you, see you one day, be able to talk over a cup of coffee like we used to, an email or a chance to visit when we are in the same town sometime. I would really love that. But mostly, I hope you know I am here for you still. I am thinking of you both, your Mom and Dad, and Cailean…knowing that he is somewhere safe and warm and being comforted by those who went before him. My heart is so full of love for all of you, if there is ever anything I can do, know that I am always here.

My Heart,

Marlene